Dear Richard Madeley: ‘I’m worried my daughter’s boyfriend is a freeloader – should I tell her?’

He says he is owed a large inheritance but nothing has materialised – meanwhile our daughter keeps giving him money

Our daughter came to us 14 years ago and said that she was ready to buy a home of her own. My husband had just had an inheritance so we offered her £50,000 as a deposit. We helped her choose a flat and move in. Four months later, she told us of a new boyfriend, who soon moved in with her. 
Our concern is that he is taking advantage of her. He says he is owed a large inheritance but nothing has materialised; in the meantime he’s been lent or given money by our daughter on more than one occasion. 
The plan is apparently for them to find a place together, then marry, then have kids, but none of this has happened yet. She is in her early 40s, he is a bit older; she earns a good salary, but we are a little unclear on what he does, save that it seems to leave plenty of time for him to sit around on his phone.
Nothing overtly terrible has happened but we are worried that he is a freeloader – and he doesn’t even seem to make her particularly happy. They are coming to stay later this month, and I can’t stand the thought of him even being in our house, never mind having to actually be in the same room as him. We’ve talked to our son and his wife about it and they say we can’t interfere. We just want our daughter to have the life that she deserves. Although we would love grandchildren, we believe that if she had a child, he would not be a good parent to it.
We would like to have a free and open discussion, but fear we will lose our daughter. Do you have any suggestions as to how this can move forward?
— Joyce, via email
This may not be what you want to hear (in fact, I know it’s not what you want to hear), but I’m afraid I stand four-square with your son and his wife on this one. 
I realise you have nothing but good intentions, and your concern does you credit – but you must not interfere.
She’s in her early 40s. She’s not some naive ingenue just starting out on adult life, in need of judicious guidance and advice. She’s old enough to make her own decisions, and bear the consequences as and when they arise.
I know that, to you and your husband, she’ll always be your little girl. I feel the same way about my own daughter, and she’s 37! But we have to know when to step back and (to be blunt) shut up.
You may be right; this man could indeed be an idle freeloader. But reading your letter, I sense there’s something more visceral about your dislike of him. It sounds more instinctive than evidence-based. You even dismiss out of hand his potential to be a good father. That’s a pretty damning judgment to pass on any man, Joyce. But again, you don’t back it up with any substantiation.
Now, don’t misunderstand me. You are perfectly entitled to loathe this person, but expressing it would only drive a wedge between you and your daughter. 
I realise all this must seem counter-intuitive, Joyce, but you must suppress your natural protective instincts and simply try to make the best of things with them. If you stick your fingers into the stuff of their relationship, I guarantee you’ll make things a hundred times worse. Trust me. I’ve seen it happen. 
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